I'm so angry today - even angrier because as a result of this anger I have been completely unproductive. The day started off with just amazing promise. I woke up and realised my cold had made a vicious comeback. I wasn't surprised - I've been pushing myself really hard work wise in the past two weeks and my body just hasn't had an opportunity to recover. So I rolled over in bed and gazed outside at a blindingly blue sky and just contemplated with glee the joy of an entire Sunday stretching ahead of me. I had a date with a man I'd met in the store bout two weeks ago - really sweet, humble guy who was going to take me out for ice cream and sun downers.
So dude calls at around 3 in the afternoon and says that he can no longer make our date because he has a work commitment that has just suddenly come up. I'm cool with this, actually a little relieved because I have a lot of readings for class to get through. I decided to go to a piano recital instead, was there for a delightful two hours, then came home. When I turned on my phone again I had a missed call from...wait for it: THE DUDE'S WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She left a message on my cell introducing herself and then she said: "I just found this number on my husband's phone and I didn't recognise the name so I wanted to call and check who this is?"
I was in shock - just pure shock that has not faded at all. I'm enraged - my head is still throbbing with rage - and I feel sick and humiliated and dirty. I didn't ask this man if he was single because why the hell would a married man be asking me out?????!!! But this dick faced shit head made a date with me on a Sunday fucking afternoon even though he is committed, MARRIED WITH A WIFE AND LORD ALONE KNOWS HOW MANY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just so bleak and so angry and just disappointed and tired. Just so fucking tired.
I've been celibate for 2 years because casual sex and casual relationships, while a great deal of fun, mean nothing to me. I want love. I want intensity. I want to belong utterly to another being. I want hours and days and months and years to learn a cherished body. I want that and it seems impossible to find. I told myself that this year in Cape Town I was going to open my heart up again – I was going to leave my defensive attitude behind and try new things. And it has been amazing – I’ve learnt so much about myself and made fantastic new friends and I am happy about this. But the events of the past two weeks and the plain stupid, selfish bull shit pulled by the men I have tentatively allowed into my life have reminded me why I chose celibacy over the boring crap and drama of the dating scene.
Just two hours ago another man I’ve been seeing asked to come see me tonight. He made this call at about 9pm. Now I am not a young lady averse to a booty call – especially with a boy as beautiful as he is – but I’m busy and I was finally getting through my course readings. I told him he couldn’t come tonight but I’d be happy to see him next week Thursday. An hour later this boy calls me again. I missed the call cos I was talking to my friend Tumi and so I called him back. WHY DOES THIS DUDE TELL ME HE’S STANDING AT MY FUCKING GATE???!!! I was livid – I’m still just speechless at the sheer presumption and gall of his actions! He decided that my telling him no, that my saying to him that I did not want to see him tonight was nonsense and that he, as a man with a dick that wants pussy, was going to ignore my very clear NO and was going to show up, uninvited, at my home. I just want to explode I am so angry. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to scream and shout and swear at him. I told him that what he had done was so disrespectful I had no words to even explain it to him. I told him to get back in his fucken cab and go the fuck home. I just...I have no words.
I genuinely love men – all kinds of men. I love their differences and revel in the new things and thoughts they bring into my feminine world. But I am tired of having to demand basic fucking values and respect from heterosexual men. I am tired of it. I love heterosexual sex – I love big, strong, hard male bodies. I love masculinity. I love male energy and essence and power but right now I just want to scream at how time after time male people let me down.
I have an amazing example of what a loving marriage should be in my parents. I love my Dad you guys. He is my hero. I know I can rely on him for everything – the man is my pivot. And it just exhausts me having to go through man after man after man who has no knowledge of himself and zero respect for me when I have a living example of what I honestly believe a man should be.
I wish I could just hand in my straight girl identity somewhere because I am tired of wanting men. I am tired of desiring them and their bodies and their company and their affection and attention because it is too much damned heartache and work. I know there are good guys out there and I am not seeking perfection – just an equal in compassion and empathy and value and ethics and love. I really do not think that I’m asking too much.
I’m just very sad tonight – and lonely. And pissed.