Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Lord grant me the Serenity...

Happiness has crept back into the heart of me and I'm sort of terrified ahahaha! I'm scared because I know that it is fleeting - that it is so sweet while it lasts and then its absence hits like a sledgehammer fired in a kiln.
There has been heartache - actually so much heartache already. Two very beloved friends are going through an incredibly hard time right now. The husband of this amazing duo has been diagnosed with leukemia and has been undergoing chemo. This has been a painful and shocking time, a time of tears and reflection and prayer. I'm putting this to the universe - to any and all who read this. Please pray for them. They are pure love and goodness and they deserve a long and beautiful life together. I'm sending this your way again God. Please see them through this.
Being home again has been rejuvenating. I love my babies so much - so damn much. Our newest addition turned one in January and he is the embodiment of joy and energy. When I hold him, when I look at him my heart fills with warmth and light so intense I have to physically reach up and hold on to the place where my heart lies because its a love that is overwhelming. My niece is growing everyday into the most beautiful little woman - bright and loving and my best friend in the whole world. A doctor recently put her on Ritalin - to my unending horror - and I still feel as if there's a hand of ice around my heart when I think about her on that medication. I do not believe she needs it. I do not believe any child should be medicated. Her mother and I are seeking alternative doctors and second opinions. This shook me - this hurt me. But she will always come first, she will always be number one in my mind and heart and soul and we will find a way for her free of poison. I'm working a job I actually love. Yes - I said it. I love my job. I'm working in environmental conservation as a communications manager and everyday is like a dream come true. I am so blessed. I am so so blessed. When i arrived home in December one of the first things I asked my mom was to take me to my Grandma's grave because I had not been to see her since we laid her to rest there in 2006. A huge, huge part of my decision to leave the job I had in Cape Town, to come home, was because of the dream I had of her. In the dream she kept asking to see the new baby, she kept asking my sister and I why we hadn't come to introduce him to her and we kept saying, "MaLisi we're busy - there's just too much happening." And she said to us: Girls there will always be work - there will always be something you feel you have to do right away - but nothing is more important than family. Nothing. So bring me my grandbabies - I want to meet the new addition." It wasn't that clear y'all - this was a dream after all - but I woke up the next day, called my mom and sis and told them to get themselves and the babies to the graveyard stat! When I arrived home and went to visit her I prayed for a new way, I prayed for joy and direction because I was so lost and small and lonely. And then this job came through for me and I feel transformed. I still need to go visit my family who have passed in Klipgat to leave flowers and prayer and love and then I want to have a ceremony of thanks giving and remembrance to my loved ones who have passed. I felt at peace after I had visited her - and peace is so so precious.
My drive home from Cape Town was...just so good! It was like a slow, steady descent into sunshine and heat and sleep and sugar. I missed Xmas day at home but when I arrived home the whole family was there, waiting, and they had a huge braai to welcome me home. It was the sweetest homecoming I could have ever imagined. And now I'm living in Joburg again, doing a job that doesn't make me want to tear into my own flesh, and praying hard for the ones I love who are hurting. I'm writing too - writing with glee and ease - like I haven't done since I was 12 years old!! I'm pretty much ecstatic. I hope that the new year has brought you joy and peace. Sending so much love your way.

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