Fierce Fotography

THE DAY I SWALLOWED THE SUN - ALOK

2011-12-05T03:29:00.001-08:00

I did this shoot with Alok in September and shortly after that my life sort of just dissolved around me. Through the tear soaked memories I have of the time - I swear I spent every moment it felt with frozen daggers of fear and shame and anger clawing at my insides - I remember Alok dragging his delicious self out of bed after a night of hard dancing and posing, bravely, for me in the already dazzling heat of the day. He was amazing. That was a very good day.

THE DAY I SWALLOWED THE SUN - JULIE AND ANUSHKA

2011-12-05T03:25:00.001-08:00

The intimacy of these shoots sometimes overwhelms me. It is the most ...intense experience to be allowed into the sacred spaces people have crafted for themselves and I am so grateful to be let in - even for a little bit.

Love Stoned

2011-12-03T13:55:00.001-08:00

Disclaimer: This blog doesn’t make any sense. I wrote the words as they came to my head – literally just put them down as the words popped into my brain with very little thought to how it flows or make sense or is contradictory or problematic or anything. This is what was in my brain and now this is what I’ve put down here.There are days I look up into the golden spill of sunshine across the sky and I want to disappear into that glow. I imagine sinking into the warm loam of the earth and being drowned in the utter calm stillness of life as love and joy and the bitter ache of pleasure-pain split my skin with that quiet, breathless sigh of completion – of satiation. My God what a year it has been!I have cried more and laughed more and felt more than I have in a very long time. I met a new me. I really did. I came face to face with a Nomonde I thought had died but then, when I thought I knew everything buried in the murkiest reaches of my soul another part of me just gleamed into being and I was entranced once more. I have resigned two jobs, lost my hair due to stress, shaved my head, found the courage to truly face my sexuality and finally, finally woken up to the power I have in this life. I know – and I am so grateful for this knowledge – that I cannot control it all and I thank God everyday that he’s got this you know? I love having found the wisdom to know and take comfort in the fact that he’s running the show and that the world is not on my shoulders. And yet I have also finally seen and experienced my own power. For the past decade I have been making decisions based on fear. It has been so hard facing up to that – I can’t tell you how hard it has been. All this time I have been driven by the urge to succeed: to live up to the myriad expectations people had of me; to make money; to buy a car; to fall in love. The last fearless choice I ever made was choosing to go to Rhodes University to study journalism. I remember the sheer calm and certainty of the moment I made that choice – and the utter belief I had in the fact that the money to go there would come from somewhere and that I would be awesome! LOL! Yes that was the arrogance and ignorance of youth but it was a fearlessness and a self-confidence I lost the year I left home and it’s been a hard 10 years winning it back.I took my first job because I was terrified of being stuck a journalist. I remained in PR as long as I did because we were broke at home and it was the only way I knew how to make enough money to keep my family going. I left Johannesburg to come to Cape Town because I was afraid I was going to end up trapped doing work I hated, that I was going to die irrelevant and on the fringes of life and then when I left my job and took the new job – also in PR – I only did that because the threat of unemployment filled me with icy dread.I’ve also been running away from myself. I want love more than anything else on this planet - and those are some fucking hard words to write down. I have so much love but it does not sate me – I’m hungry for more. And I haven’t believed – truly believed – that I had a right to it. I do not trust men. I trust my father, I adore him – I love my little brother so much it makes me ache – and I thought this would translate into a love of other men. It hasn’t and I’ve had to face the fact that I really don’t like most heterosexual male people and that that dislike is based on years of learnt mistrust, of humiliations I’ve been too slow to forget. I don't know what I'm going to do with this knowledge - I do know it has helped me to begin to heal the bitterness a little bit.I've also - terrifyingly - acknowledged my love of women. This is not a coming out blog lol!! I think I'm still far more straight than I will ever be gay but embracing my love of women, of women's body's - not just their hearts and minds and amazing spirits - has been like taking a deep breath after years of only sipping at the air.It has been a revelation learning too that I can be the multitude of people and feelings and thoughts and desires that stir my body everyday and that it really is the essence of a person’s spirit that matters and not the vessel - although my God the vessels are pretty and I am thankful for them everyday!!! Ja. So here I sit – unemployed, looking so forward to going home to see my family, and without a clue about what is coming in the new year. Right now I have no real plan – just the beginnings of one – but I am peaceful and for now I am fearless and I’m just savouring this feeling of fitting utterly into my own body, my own confidence and passion, and my own love for myself. I’ve also pried the pruny edges of my fraidy cat little heart a little wider – a little bit more open. And I am so thankful for my blessings and the networks of support that carry me, carry my pain and joy when I can’t take another step.

In the throes of thesis writing iz ded

2011-10-28T03:20:00.000-07:00

I'm working on my thesis - writing this thing is just so unspeakably painful I don't even know what to do with myself. It's like every word is etched onto the page with blood and pain!! Aaaack!!!!! Really, really looking forward to it being finished.

"Help! I'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer..."

2011-09-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am scared. My life feels like a big, uncertain mess right now and I am scared and so incredibly tired. I slept all weekend hoping that getting some actual shut eye would make the picture a little clearer. And it has - I feel a bit more able to cope but I now also see every problem in glaring sunlit clarity and I confess that I am afraid. I'm praying hard. I'm mostly cried out and just reaching out to God for guidance, a solution. I have many blessings and I am always thankful for those but right now I really need a little help. I am hopeful though and there are tiny green tendrils of joy curling under the heavy muck of fear I'm feeling right now and I know they will burst through - I know it will be soon - I just need some help staying strong while the darkness passes and the tears dry up.

"Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest."

The Day I Swallowed the Sun - Jamie

2011-08-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

On Saturday the first of the Swallowed the Sun shoots took place. Jamie Tam, who is also the delectable Afrodyke, was a gracious and glorious model. There is something deeply humbling in being invited into the private thoughts and hurts and joys of people and there was a sacredness to the space we shared that day that I am very thankful to have been entrusted with.

The Day I Swallowed the Sun

2011-07-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am beginning work on an extensive photography and writing project spanning the rest of 2011 and progressing well into 2012. 'The Day I Swallowed the Sun' will chronicle the body journeys of 'othered' human beings.

I am looking for models who are fat, disabled, homosexual, black, old - the list is extensive and could go on for an age. I am looking for modles willing to pose alone and as couples. I am aware of the politics that arise when grouping these 'catergories' together because they are not equal in meaning and that's something I hope to explore as a part of this project. I am looking for people who live in bodies that the world has scorned and tries with every fibre of its being not to see. I am looking for happy bodies, sexual bodies, sad bodies, bodies in hurt but all of them proud bodies - dignified and human bodies. I am looking for people who live in these bodies and have come to love these bodies or have always loved these bodies. I'm looking for people willing to share their experiences and their physical presence in this world.

I remember the day I realised that I loved myself - loved every roll of fat, every dimple and crease that I had been told for years was disgusting. On that day it felt as if my soul lit up, as if pure sunshine was welling from within me and pouring out into the world. I became the light in my own life. I remember that as the day I 'swallowed' the sun. So I want to share in the days other people swallowed the sun - and the days when you felt like you were chained to the bottom of the ocean instead.

I am looking for models who are willing to pose nude and please remember this is work I hope to exhibit at the end of 2012. I hope that some of you will be willing to participate in this project and if you cannot will help me to spread the word.

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

2011-07-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

I’m flying back to Cape Town next week Sunday and honestly, while I have loved spending time with my family, I’m really looking forward to getting back to the life I’ve just begun to carve out for myself. Its so strange to feel, for the first time, that home is not where my parents are but where I am comfortable, where I have made space and friends, and where I’m learning so much about myself and what I really want out of this life God has gifted me with. Its going to shatter me to leave my niece behind. I’m really not sure how I’m going to cope with that. I get tearful just thinking about it. *deep breath!* And now to my favourite photographic subjects!

Pretty

2011-06-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

http://broadist.tumblr.com/post/6754399892/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty-you-dont-owe#notes

Really love this quote. It begins - "You don't have to be pretty - you don't owe prettiness to anyone..."

I'd never realised, till very lately, the actual ugly oppressive weight of the word pretty. I thought, when I first found the size acceptance movement and encountered my very first fat admirers, that I had found home. The longer I stayed and played and read and learned though the more and more I saw that this was a space that, again, came with some very ugly hypocrisy. Drama about feeders and feedees aside, about sexual fetish, about waste and desperation and actual mental illness and social dysfunction aside, the sexual fatosphere is where I learnt absolutely the ugly lessons of 'Pretty.'

For years I knew pretty was not me. I was short and fat and very dark and this was not at all conceivably pretty. In the sexual fatosphere those lessons were, ironically, even more deeply ingrained. In the fat world you can be the wrong kind of fat. If you fat is not attached to your boobs and bum its the 'wrong' kind of fat. Fat girls who are not hourglass or pear shaped are routinely told my 'fat admirers' to try to lose weight. If you have a fat belly you are called an ugly blob, misshapen, ugly - all this within the fat movement. It was almost funny to find that I had run from a space I thought I was rejected to one where again I did not measure up. I often wander if I was light skinned, hour glassed and just generally less loud mouthed if I would keep swallowing the lies of pretty - if they wouldn't sting as badly because I fit. I can't know so I move forward with what I have, with what I've seen and I've learnt. What a crazy ramble lol! This youtube vid expresses this far better than I have.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0

FLICKR

2011-06-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

I'm finally getting my flickr account sorted and turned into something I'm actually not ashamed to have online. I'm also very seriously contemplating changing the name of my photography company. I love Fierce Fotography but there are a number of Fierce Fotography's out there - its not exactly original. Something I've been mulling over for a while and now that I'm ready to take this business to the next level I'm thinking a change in name would be appropriate. Not sure to what though. Its funny how crazy I was about the name to begin with. There isn't another Fierce registered in South Africa and it makes me happy...we'll see - just weighing where I want to be going with all of this.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tauslair/

I'm feeling a great deal of focus. Have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster recently. That looming 3-0 man. I don't have a problem with getting older - what terrified me is how quickly time just zooms by and how much I still desperately want to do and achieve and feel and enjoy in this life.

When I was 18 I told myself that I would have my first baby at 34. I was very, very shaken when I realised that 34 is right around the corner and I am in no way, shape or form ready to have children. I'm still barely able to take care of myself, still such an emotional and mental mess, that the thought of caring for another life fills my veins with ice. I want babies - I do - but not now and its scares me to contemplate exactly when I'll feel ready because I don't think I ever will.

Its a time of epic growth for me again - and I'm savoring it but also a little weary of the constant growing pains. I figure if I keep putting my faith in God, trusting that he knows the path he wants for me, I can't go too badly wrong.

Soaking up the Love

2011-06-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

The last post was gloomy and I cannot leave it at that because there is goodness too – so much joy in my life. I cannot end leave this blog just lost in anger. I’ve been home for 3 weeks spending time with my niece and nephew and my parents and it has been amazing. My babies are so beautiful. There is pure joy in the spirits of children and I’ve soaked up their happiness and their generous love and I am so thankful – so, so thankful – to have the family I have and the love I have in my life. And now for pictures!!! :D

May

2011-06-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

May was the month from hell. School was madness, a dozen essays, thesis proposal and presentations all due at one brain crunching time and work...well I’m not going to say much about that. Work is status quo – a quo I’m working very, very hard to change as soon as possible.

I was exhausted just about every day, couldn’t sleep and everything hurt – my body, my mind. Sometimes I felt like my soul was too full of pain and hope and anger – like I could barely put thoughts together that weren’t tinged with resentment and urgency and frustration. I’m still finding equilibrium, still sort of staggering back to a happier space. This course on Gender and Transformation has been...life changing. This is no exaggeration – literally life changing. Sometimes I feel like I put a part of myself to sleep years ago, when I realized just how hard life is – and that part of me, that dormant part of Nomonde, has just shaken awake and I’m just feeling all these things. The conversations I’m having, the books I’m reading, the course work, all of it is tearing off the bandages I’d wrapped myself in. I am numb no more, blind no more, but now I can no longer pretend not to see the constant injustice of the society we live in and the endless layers of oppression that mire us in ugliness.

I’m in a dark place right now – very dark. I’ll write more lucidly about how I feel about all of this when it doesn’t feel so close, when it’s not suffocating me.

Gelato and Sunsets

2011-04-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

I spent a beautiful Saturday afternoon with one of my favourite couples, Layla and Meryl. Caramel ice-cream, the ocean, a glorious sunset and glorious conversation - a girl could not ask for more *BEAMS.* Then my girl Tumi just called me. She's settling into her new life in the US beautifully - I am so damn happy for her. Miss her like burning.

Romantic Bullshit!

2011-04-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm so angry today - even angrier because as a result of this anger I have been completely unproductive. The day started off with just amazing promise. I woke up and realised my cold had made a vicious comeback. I wasn't surprised - I've been pushing myself really hard work wise in the past two weeks and my body just hasn't had an opportunity to recover. So I rolled over in bed and gazed outside at a blindingly blue sky and just contemplated with glee the joy of an entire Sunday stretching ahead of me. I had a date with a man I'd met in the store bout two weeks ago - really sweet, humble guy who was going to take me out for ice cream and sun downers.

So dude calls at around 3 in the afternoon and says that he can no longer make our date because he has a work commitment that has just suddenly come up. I'm cool with this, actually a little relieved because I have a lot of readings for class to get through. I decided to go to a piano recital instead, was there for a delightful two hours, then came home. When I turned on my phone again I had a missed call from...wait for it: THE DUDE'S WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She left a message on my cell introducing herself and then she said: "I just found this number on my husband's phone and I didn't recognise the name so I wanted to call and check who this is?"
I was in shock - just pure shock that has not faded at all. I'm enraged - my head is still throbbing with rage - and I feel sick and humiliated and dirty. I didn't ask this man if he was single because why the hell would a married man be asking me out?????!!! But this dick faced shit head made a date with me on a Sunday fucking afternoon even though he is committed, MARRIED WITH A WIFE AND LORD ALONE KNOWS HOW MANY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just so bleak and so angry and just disappointed and tired. Just so fucking tired.

I've been celibate for 2 years because casual sex and casual relationships, while a great deal of fun, mean nothing to me. I want love. I want intensity. I want to belong utterly to another being. I want hours and days and months and years to learn a cherished body. I want that and it seems impossible to find. I told myself that this year in Cape Town I was going to open my heart up again – I was going to leave my defensive attitude behind and try new things. And it has been amazing – I’ve learnt so much about myself and made fantastic new friends and I am happy about this. But the events of the past two weeks and the plain stupid, selfish bull shit pulled by the men I have tentatively allowed into my life have reminded me why I chose celibacy over the boring crap and drama of the dating scene.

Just two hours ago another man I’ve been seeing asked to come see me tonight. He made this call at about 9pm. Now I am not a young lady averse to a booty call – especially with a boy as beautiful as he is – but I’m busy and I was finally getting through my course readings. I told him he couldn’t come tonight but I’d be happy to see him next week Thursday. An hour later this boy calls me again. I missed the call cos I was talking to my friend Tumi and so I called him back. WHY DOES THIS DUDE TELL ME HE’S STANDING AT MY FUCKING GATE???!!! I was livid – I’m still just speechless at the sheer presumption and gall of his actions! He decided that my telling him no, that my saying to him that I did not want to see him tonight was nonsense and that he, as a man with a dick that wants pussy, was going to ignore my very clear NO and was going to show up, uninvited, at my home. I just want to explode I am so angry. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to scream and shout and swear at him. I told him that what he had done was so disrespectful I had no words to even explain it to him. I told him to get back in his fucken cab and go the fuck home. I just...I have no words.

I genuinely love men – all kinds of men. I love their differences and revel in the new things and thoughts they bring into my feminine world. But I am tired of having to demand basic fucking values and respect from heterosexual men. I am tired of it. I love heterosexual sex – I love big, strong, hard male bodies. I love masculinity. I love male energy and essence and power but right now I just want to scream at how time after time male people let me down.

I have an amazing example of what a loving marriage should be in my parents. I love my Dad you guys. He is my hero. I know I can rely on him for everything – the man is my pivot. And it just exhausts me having to go through man after man after man who has no knowledge of himself and zero respect for me when I have a living example of what I honestly believe a man should be.

I wish I could just hand in my straight girl identity somewhere because I am tired of wanting men. I am tired of desiring them and their bodies and their company and their affection and attention because it is too much damned heartache and work. I know there are good guys out there and I am not seeking perfection – just an equal in compassion and empathy and value and ethics and love. I really do not think that I’m asking too much.

I’m just very sad tonight – and lonely. And pissed.

An End to Hunger

2011-04-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

I've started working on my research proposal and I'm so excited. My topic is land reform and agriculture in SA and my question essentially is: Has land reform in SA had a positive impact on black rural female farmers? That's the main question and there's obviously a subset of others.

I believe, absolutely, that women are the key to feeding all our populations - we've just got to figure out how. I read somewhere (will find source and post it) that Angola and Southern Sudan alone could feed the entire AFrican continent if these country's agricultural systems were correctly managed. DUDES THAT WOULD MEAN AFRICA WOULD NEVER HAVE TO BEG ANYBODY FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN! I dream of this day - I want to be one of the people who make this day a reality. And finally, with this research I'm beginning, it feels as if I've taken a step in the right direction :D

The link below is to an article that made me beam - absolutely worth a read and it suggests an interesting case study that I'm looking to incorporate into my research. Imagine a world with no hunger - where there are no babies begging in the street. I want to live in that world.
http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/food-for-everyone/the-city-that-ended-hunger

TILL MY BODY IS DUST AND MY SOUL IS NO MORE...

2011-03-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

I just remembered that next year is 2012 and that the world is supposed to end! LOL! So I got to thinking – what would I be bleak about not having done come 2012 and the world actually did end. The list was a bit of a surprise to me. By 2012 I decided that I wanted, desperately, to:

1. Have fallen in love
2. Owned a new puppy and lavished it with adoration.
3. Written and published a novel
4. Lived under a warm sea

The last one had me scratching my head but I cannot deny that I would love to live under a warm ocean, swimming in the waters and just letting the tides wash over me. I know I cannot turn into a mermaid *sigh* but I still long to live, somehow, beneath the sea.

The first I’ve given to God. I’ve looked man. I have sought high and low but my time for love has not come. So I’ve left it with God. He’ll let me know when the time is right. It would be awesome God if it could be before the world ends...just saying! *grumbles*

I’m working on number 3. In stops and starts but I’m working on it. Now I have an absolute deadline to have it done by *beams!*

And number 2...I’m a wanderer at the moment and a dog requires a steady home and a pack that sticks together. This one won’t be possible by next year – not if my plans work out as I hope they will. That breaks my heart but I’m hoping we all make it many years beyond 2012 so that I can once again cuddle my very own puppy. I’m planning on naming him/her Sherlock Holmes!

I want to acknowledge my blessings here too because God has truly blessed me and he keeps on giving me love and support and beautiful, beautiful people to cherish. My greatest blessing is my family - I cannot wait to be with them again. Thank you Lord for your continued nourishment, care and love for my loved ones and for me.

Hollaback!!!

2011-03-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.ihollaback.org/

This is a fantastic site - found via: http://afatgirlwho.blogspot.com/

In South Africa there are so many men who have this ugly, proprietary air when approaching women it makes me sick. Over and over again we're harassed on the street. I think twice almost all the time when I'm walking down the street - bout what I'm wearing, where I'm walking, how many men are going to decide they're bored enough to dump their sexual bull all over my space. Go read some of the stories posted on this site - makes my blood just boil anew.

PENGUINS!!!!

2011-03-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I frolicked with penguins!!! :D It was such a fabulous day. I went out with my new friends, Yukari and Haru, who I met in Woolworths of all places. They have been so good to me. Then I had dinner with my long time buddy Laylay and met her awesome girlfriend and ate their delicious food! And now delightful pics from a delicious day! *gleeeeeeeeeee*

Golden

2011-03-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

God blessed me with magic and love and epic joy this weekend. I lived and breathed sheer perfection. Love to my little hot toddies Kholo and Tumsa - you bitches rock so fucken hard *cries*

Sweet Disposition

2011-03-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

I have had an amazing weekend *GLOWS* I did a ton of retail therapy – new makeup, new hair, new shoes!!! I went clubbing – pics today are from the mandatory pre-clubbing camera whoring that ensued – and then spent my Sunday at the beach eating watermelon sorbet and rolling merrily around in the ice cold water. Perfection doesn’t happen often but I was blessed with it this weekend. I hope you had an equally restful, blissful time and that the week ahead holds more joy than it does pain *SMISH!!!*

In Flight

2011-02-23T14:05:00.000-08:00

365

2011-02-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

I have pledged to take a picture every single day of this year. They won't always be pretty or polished or even interesting but they will be a reflection of my year. I won't be putting daily posts up here but will be over at tumblr

BLACK WOMEN AND BEAUTY

2011-02-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on Tumblr a few weeks ago, in floods of tears and the reactions and messages that came out of it were such a balm to my soul. I wanted to put it on my Fierce blog too cos I love what it has meant so much.

28.01.2011
I have reached a stage in my life where I am utterly unashamed of claiming my ‘angry black chick’ space, my ‘angry black chick’ words because by God there is so much I have to be angry about and being fat and black has burned into the very core of my soul that I have a right to my anger - that often my anger is the beginning of my strength.

My niece said to me today that she wishes she was white. She refused to play in the sunshine today because she says she can’t afford to get dark because very black people are ugly. I cried today because of the poison that has already touched her soul - the ugly, ugly shallow shit that the world has already managed hurt her with. She’s 6.

I sat her down and asked her if she thinks I’m ugly. I’m the darkest person in my family. The women in my family are all fair, all smaller than I am. For years I was openly called hideous to my face because of my darkness and I can’t pretend here that I’m not…sensitive about the subject.
So I asked this little girl who is my heart and my soul if she thinks I’m ugly because I’m dark. She said no - shock in her eyes. I try to live every day as an example to this child. An example of womanhood who loves her body and her skin and her hair and yet in this I’ve failed. Somewhere I failed her. I asked her who had told her this - that dark people are uglier than light people. And she said nobody told her she just saw it. I hugged her then and cried because ofcourse she saw it - how could she help but see it.

It’s in the thousands of creams that are sold daily on television advertising how black women can find their ‘true’ and more beautiful complexion. It’s in the millions and millions of black women who hate their hair and openly speak scorn against their own, natural locks. Women who spend thousands and thousands of rands on looking as not black as they possibly can. She sees it in the music videos, in movies - the endless odes to fair, long haired women on our screens 24/7.
I love my weave. I love my braids. I love my wigs. I love looking as different and varied and colourful as I want to when I want to. I also love my kinky afro - love my wooly, glossy black curls because they are mine and because they are beautiful. But she’s 6 and maybe I’m sending mixed messages her way by changing my hair, by looking different?? I don’t know. I just know I never want to hear her speak such pain again. I don’t want those words coming from her.

I have no remedy here. I have no solution. I’m just angry and so hurt. I’m angry that this golden child is growing up in a world determined to crush her God given beauty. I’m angry that she questions her worth, her power because she isn’t white or blonde. I’m angry that my 6 year old darling is already measuring herself against other little girls for this nebulous, sexual approval from a world twisted so far from rightness and goodness and beauty that we fail to see our path even when it stares us in the face.

I’m angry too, I know, at myself. At those moments as a girl that I would have sold my soul to be thinner and a little yellower. I’m angry that those moments existed at all - that there wasn’t a single adult who could tell me that I was lovely as I was - that me in my fat, black darkness was beautiful. Because I was. And I still am.

I wrote this to bear witness to this moment of anger and thank God for the peace already welling to fill my core.

I URGE YOU TO SPEAK!

2011-02-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

I have long been familiar with that peculiar situation of being the only black female in a room full of white and often male peers and being treated as if the words I spoke had not been said – like my speech was invisible and my physical presence just barely tolerated. When I first started working in corporate public relations I would go home after a day in the office - a day of meetings and press releases and events – still shy and uncertain about what I have to offer and wander if perhaps my speech was not clear enough, not loud enough? Was I stupid? Did my words not link together to make coherent sentences? The blank stares I would receive when I offered an opinion – looks that seemed to say: “Oh God the monkey spoke!” ... I cannot deny that those looks are still burnt right into the core of me, that every time I brace myself to speak in a boardroom, in a presentation or meeting I have a moment where my voice stumbles on the memory of that blankness.

I am not every woman. I am not every black woman and I do not claim to speak for all the multitudes of black women in South Africa. But I know how I felt in those early days before I reclaimed my voice. I see that same look, that same feeling in the eyes of black women who open their mouths in places of importance, watch as they speak words with relevance and meaning, and then flinch as their audience tries desperately to pretend not to have heard them. This happens every day all the time. I remember in those first years of work my friends and I would talk about why it happened. We would have long, rich conversations where we poured out our shame and fear – where we sought reassurance from black sisters that we were not mad or dim-witted. That we could be heard, should be heard. Had to be heard.

I do not know why my speech was overlooked in those early days. That is not my reason for writing this today. I write this because I want to say this to you today as a black woman who is reclaiming her voice, who is speaking out loudly and endlessly despite the blank stares and nervous laughter and cold eyes. The only way that we can move from being the soundless noisemakers; the big bootied, glossy haired business suits; the token tea-makers; the only way we can break the oppression of our voicelessness is by speaking. Speak constantly. Offer your opinions, over and over again. The temptation is to only share your soul and your grit and your liver with those same black women who have always heard you but you cannot yield to this! I urge you to speak! Living in fear of the criticism or the blank stares is simply another form of bondage. Speak and speak and speak. Write and speak some more and you will be heard and you will find liberty in your voice.

Tech Creepiness!!!

2011-02-18T12:24:00.000-08:00

So Tumblr is doing this weird thing where it reblogs posts I've put up here without my putting them into Tumblr...How?? Why?? WTF even??!! I am creeped out - somebody please explain!

ROAD TRIP!

2011-02-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

So i did a 3 day drive from Joburg to Cape Town. I couldn't do the longer, scenic version because I am so broke right now but I did manage to get some fun pics all the same.

Reflections

2011-02-16T11:04:00.000-08:00

So this blog is getting a revamp. I've been trickling through the private bits of me, trying to keep it all 'professional.' I'm discovering that I'm not capable of that. So this blog is turning, right now, into a celebration of me, my work, my love, my passion - otherwise honestly it may as well just shut down.

So the changes in the past few months have been major. I moved cities. I'm living in Cape Town now and OMG I love it with every particle of my soul. This place is beautiful - heartrendingly beautiful. Since beginning to travel I've been so lucky to see the truly miraculous places in the world - and yet even as their beauty overwhelms me I'm reminded again and again that HOME is where LOVE is - it could be a dry little town in the Karoo or the lush mountains and forests of Mpumalanga. If there is no love where you are then it all might as well be ash.

I'm back at school and working too - its intense I cannot lie. Juggling the two - as well as finding time to write and work on Fierce and start up all the other millions of ideas I have is going to be a challenge - but its one I feel ready for.

I'm studying Gender Studies and Transformation - AT LAST!!! And I love it! LOL! I'm loving a lot lately! I live in this tiny little bachelor flat - just bought myself these glorious striped burgandy curtains and the entire place is just beginning to feel like mine. I miss my family and friends like burning. That's been hard - but what keeps me going is knowing that the way I was - that closed in, lonely, frustrated woman I was becoming, could not love them the way they deserve to be loved. I must find peace - I must have adventure! And it's so good to be living what I've been dreaming for so damn long.

Tumblr has been a revelation. Meeting young, fat women - feminists, lovers of beauty and race and variety - fearless, glorious creatures. Meeting these women on Tumblr has meant so much to me...I can't put this in words right now. I will. I will soon.

And finally a picture - after so long! This is a self portrait again - I love it. The gorgeous curtains weren't up yet - going to be taking pics soon where they are! :D

TUMBLR HAS EATED MY BRAINZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

I've started a tumblr - which I love more than I can actually say. It's sharing and speaking and crying and laughing and I LOVE IT!!! My blog is pure me - please note NSFW - but if you have a mo stop by and say hi :D http://ixamxdecadence.tumblr.com/

LADIES AND GENTS I GIVE YOU HLUMANI!!

2011-01-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

Please give a warm and welcoming hello to my brand new and CRAZY ADORABLE!!! nephew! I am in love :D Only took these cos the poor darling kept flinching at the flash. He was like: Can't a baby just sleep!? LOL! Angel

'I got the joyjoyjoy down in my heart!'

2010-11-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

I am stricken with joy, overwhelmed by anticipation so deep it's a flavour on my tongue, a taste at the back of my throat, welling over and over till my sinuses burn with sheer and utter delight in life. Yes I am aware that the sentence above is a prime example of how not to use a comma but I DO NOT CARE MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Why you ask? Whywhywhy? Because I am happy. For the first time in a really long time I'm catching glimpses of the gleeful creature I was born to be. I no longer burn bright and uncomplicated - my colours have thickened, deepened. I am searing light and blood red depth, tears and laughter like rich, viscous honey-drip. I am grown and my joy has changed but I've found it again - I can see it and touch again. Thank you God for this blessing, for this feeling. I am so grateful to finally be saying goodbye to numbness. And now for the BOOTY DANCE OF GLEEEEEE!!!!

Wanderlust

2010-11-14T04:56:00.000-08:00

Are other people every just violently struck by the urge to go - to keep moving till their too exhausted to move another limb. I want to scour every inch of this planet - I want to see EVERYTHING!! Now I just need bank rolling of some kind. Hmmmm...

These images are from a shoot I did for the Black Accountants Association 25th Anniversary. I met a lot of amazing people - people who clawed their way to success and then did not forget their roots. It was an experience that I have to say strengthened my faith in our ability as individuals to make an actual difference.

The Wedding

2010-10-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

I love the internet. It makes my world feel limitless. I've learnt so much and met so many amazing people and ja...I just love the net :D I've been debating how I'm going to go forward on this blog. It was born to promote Fierce Fotography as a business but I'm finding more and more that the only way I can really share about my creativity and work is if i make it as personal as possible - so I won't be holding back. I'll be sharing a great deal more here - it won't get as traumatising as my LJ lol! but it'll get pretty close.

Inspiration comes in the oddest form. I spent a very large part of my early teen years utterly obsessed with Joseph Gordon Levitt from 3rd Rock from the Sun. Then I watched Mysterious Skin and then the Lookout and 500 Days of Summer and then Inception. The boy is back!! And all I can say is DAMN!! What an amazing talent - the energy, the creativity, the sheer love he has for life. So I did some reading and found this place: http://hitrecord.org/reel. If you are a creative person interested in sharing your work, sharing ideas and just finding a new way of working and creating and loving your art this is the place for you. Go check it out!!

And now for some Fierce Pics! *gleeeeeeeeeee*

These images are from my very first wedding shoot in Lusikisiki in the Eastern Cape. It was glorious - like stepping back a century in time. It was also icy cold, no running water, and pit latrines. Deep man. But glorious. Hope you enjoy the images as much as I did taking them.

Spirit Day

2010-10-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

October 20th - wear purple to rememeber the lives and spirits of the boys who killed themselves because they were bullied for being gay. In South Africa I know of many gay men and women who have been harrassed, beaten, raped and murdered because of their sexuality. In my ...heart on the 20th I will be holding all of the people who have been so deeply hurt by intolerance, ignorance and hatred. I hope you'll join me.

http://neo-prodigy.livejournal.com/866100.html

Reposted from LJ:

"On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)

RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)

RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)

REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace."

The Logo is Born!!! :D

2010-08-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

I wanted simplicity and opulence - this for me is absolutely that. My next step is to change it into a variety of colours for a variety of backgrounds. Ugh. The pure glee that I'm experiencing right now!

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!!

2010-08-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

Life is becoming intensly exciting very quickly *booty dance of glee!!* I want to go back to school. There's so much I still want to learn and so, so much I still want to do that requires a get a great deal more schooling. I'm going to be trying for my masters in gender studies - madly applying for scholarships as we speak, as well as further photography and photoshop classes; my sewing lessons begin very soon; having a meeting with a designer about the Fierce logo this coming weekend *squee*; and my pole dancing lessons have become a highlight of my week just because they help detangle all the ugly knots I manage to tie myself into all the time.

July was a crazy month. I've been working on an intense project - the results of which I'll share once its been done. I turned 28! This year I didn't have a panic attack about it - it was a good and easy change - one that filled me with peace. I spent it with the folks - thank God for them - gossiping and napping and eating cake. It was very good. I was reading a journal I've had since 2007 where I plan my life essentially. I was reading back and I saw my 2007 plan LOL! My main goals were : get a car, buy a camera, finish the Fierce business plan, start the Decadence business plan and loose my virginity!! ahahahaha!! I'm happy to say I achieved all but one of those goals...Decadence is still in its infancy. Can't wait for that to take off as I am so passionate about the changes I believe it will make to South African women

In October I begin the Fierce Fatties project. I'm breathless with excitement for this one and the results are going to be amazing. Taking pictures of fat women is the entire reason I got into photography. Now I'm finally going to get to take pictures of lots of them!! Weird little note - had a dream last night - a rabbit told me i was destined to become a matchmaker. It was intensely clear and won't leave me alone right now LOOOOL!! I can't even get myself hooked up, how am I supposed to help other people!!

Below some highlights from the World Cup - the biggest party to hit SA's shores in FOREVER! I had such a blast - I miss Phillip sooo much *sigh*

A Different Kind of Christian Demonstration at Gay Pride | TimSchraeder.com

2010-07-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

A Different Kind of Christian Demonstration at Gay Pride TimSchraeder.com

This story just made me cry. Warmth just swelled wide right inside of me and filled me to the brim. This is true Christianity. This is the real meaning of Jesus Christ's teachings to us.

Winter Light

2010-06-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

I loved the results of this shoot soooo much. Rita is an amazingly talented model - the pictures speak for themselves :) On another note the World Cup has been a crazy, intense blast. I haven't had this much fun in a long, long while. Phillip really is here! ;)

The Breath before the Plunge

2010-05-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am very good at leeching the joy out of my own life LOL! I get obsessive and competitive and I worry and worry and worry and eventually, the things I love, are no longer fun. I've managed to make myself ill - my eczema is as bad as it was in late 2006 and I need to fix and to fix it I need to sort out the emotional tangle that keeps tying me up in knots. So yes - a deep, deep breath before the plunge into joy.

Anais Nin

2010-03-11T11:48:00.000-08:00

We've found a place to live - pics to follow soon as we're in! Yay! I can't wait till its home.

I've just made a discovery - Anais Nin - *heart melts* I adore her. But this quote particularly is just so stirring, churns me right up inside, because its the reflection of every dark thought I've had about my own womanhood just brought to very startling life. I love it.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, f**ked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” ~ Anais Nin

Bloodlust

2010-02-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

2010 - YOU ARE SO FIRED!!!! The opening months of this year have been exhausting. We were robbed on the 17th of Jan. The thief came through a window and robbed me blind while I lay sleeping. I sleep like the dead LOL! and then we were robbed again on February the 17th. I was so panic striken we moved. I could'nt bear the thought of sleeping in that flat for another day. Now we're looking for a new place to live and all I feel is overwhelming exhaustion.

Needless to say my creative energy has been ...shattered. I'm now in the process of gathering myself towards myself - I hope it will get better. I know it will.

I present to you Blood Lust. I thoroughly enjoyed this shoot - hope you enjoy the results :)

The Wilds

2009-12-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

This shoot was supposed to be of a Goddess of the Winds - but the wind did not co-operate LOL! So I decided to title it The Wilds and just focus on the beauty of my delicious subject and of the green, glorious nature all around us.

Boom In Ze Park

2009-11-30T15:25:00.000-08:00

Just back from Kenya :) Was visiting a good friend on her wedding day, wedding and trip shots to come soon. For now, Boomerang in the Park *gleee*

Cartoon Network Dance Club - Behind the Scenes

2009-11-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

Lorcia Cooper is hot! Nuff said! LOL! Also, amazing children :)

Animation Generation

2009-11-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

Children are just the most amazing subjects. They're easy and free and the sheer, joyful spirit of them comes through in every shot. I've been lucky enough to work on a number of projects for Boomerang and Cartoon Network. Animation Gen is a competition run for children in SA encouraging them to create works of art featuring their favourite characters. These are a few of my favourite shots from the prize giving ceremony.

The Water Sprite

2009-11-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

Michelle's death left me frozen. I've felt breathless, like the grief squeezed everything out of me and all I had energy to do was just keep moving. On Saturday, word came of her boyfriend - he killed himself. This is an incredibly dark post, and I know that when grief is not your own it may seem...tedious. But I want to remember her and what she meant to my life. I love you chick, so much, from the very bottom of my soul

I'm trying to get myself going again and so am posting here tonight in her memory. The shoot I'm showcasing is called The Water Sprite. My vision was to have it completely nude but because we were in an extremely public location we just couldn't pull it off to suit my exact desires. I must say though that I am still very happy with the results. Thanks to Tumi, my fantastic make up artist and creative partner, and also to an amazing model and fellow photographer, Amielle.

Crying in the Rain

2009-10-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been brutal. A good friend died in a car crash on Monday 5th October - or rather, her body was found on that date. I still don't have the reserves to write anything vaguely approaching coherent about it. i will soon because i want to remember her as clearly as I do now. On Monday the 12th another friend commited suicide. I wasn't as close to him as I was to Michelle, but it was a huge shock. I feel as if I've been drowning in tears. I'll be posting pictures again soon, I just need the hurt to ease a little first.

Shape Shifting

2009-10-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've had an amazing month - a month of tears and laughter and crazy, crazy fun :) I've also been busier than I've ever been in my life but I have beautiful results to show and I'll be posting these in the coming three weeks. First up, a shoot I did for Dylan Lewis's art exhibition: Shape Shifting. I adore this man's work - his sculptures looks as if they are about to jerk into motion, moving muscle and sinew cast from bronze in liquid, heated motion. I was not there to shoot the actual sculptures, I was more a society photographer that night - and it was hard work!!! I didn't realise how taxing events of that nature were - but now I know! I had a blast - I think the images speak for themselves :) What I couldn't get over was how similar shooting these pieces felt to shooting human beings - its something I'll be exploring further in future

BEEEEZZZYYY BEEEEEEE!!

2009-09-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

OMG! I'm swamped - but very excited *glee* I've done two amazing, challenging shoot this week and I'll be posting the results soon - I just have to survive a work launch on Sunday and then I'LL BE BACK :)

GIBS Career Expo

2009-08-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

My very first official event! I was asked to take pics of the Career Expo at the Gordon Institute of Business Science and it was FUN!!! :) Also, there was some seriously illegal eyecandy at this event LOL! I did this shoot in May - I barely had a clue about how to use my camera so the lighting is not as it should be - but I enjoyed some the angles and the models.

Into the Looking Glass

2009-08-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

On the 26th of August it will be my parents 30th year wedding anniversary :) I'm so blessed to have these two amazing people as my mother and father - thank God for them because I would not be who I am if God had not seen fit to give them to me.

The shoot I've done recently is a set of self portraits. Self portraits have been the key to loving my own body. If it weren't for my camera and the self-images I had produced I would still not be terribly fond of myself. That little lens played a huge role in my mental and spiritual liberation, and this weekend I decided to spend a bit more time playing for the lens. I call this shoot: Industria and I did it in the gas room of our block of flats. I got fainter and fainter during the shoot - actually fell over at one point! LOL! I was about to commit an accidental Sylvia Plath but thankfully our dishy flat manager came by and advised that I leave the door open if I wanted to live LOL! And so, without further ado, Industria.

Fierce Night Shoot

2009-07-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

OMG - shooting at night and on a budget is NOT easy. My roomie and I - who is the glorious creature featured in the blog header - trotted outside last week - it was freeeeeeeezing - and in the headlights of my darling KaChing (my car for future reference) we did this shoot. It was in the parking garage at our flat too!!! LOL! All these people were walking by gawping at us - poor T got the brunt of it cos she was so scantily dressed and the make up was crazy. But so, so much fun. On the 7th of August i'm sending out an official call for models who want portfolios for free. Will be taking free pictures from now till January the 1st and from then I'll be charging for my services *beams*

Joy

2009-07-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling that life is so blindingly, almost hurtfully beautiful, it’s like staring into the sun its so overwhelming, and you can’t keep looking at it. That’s how I feel today. Woke up really cranky cos I keep having these amazing dreams – amazing where I’m doing a job I love, in a phenomenal relationship, flying without wings and chowing down on ambrosia on the regular. This is very much not reality – but still – life is just so good. It’s sharp, like a gleaming blade. Every moment is jagged and raw and sometimes too much to take. Sour, hot, blinding, lush, thick and just … good.

Fat Idenitities

2009-07-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

I love me my forums - dims and ff - a lot of the conversations there have contributed a lot to who I am today. Dims can get controversial - simply because it has many feeders and feedees onboard. I've enjoyed it though. I've gone from being judgmental - yes - I was judgmental *hides head in shame* - to kinda,sorta maybe getting it. And realising that, like all fetishes,its not about my getting it - its not about me at all. So ja, I've learnt a lot there since signing up on the forums in February.

New lesson learnt: I've found out that I'm not fat enough to participate on one of the boards there - the SSBBW board. BBW = Big, beautiful woman. Its not used much outside the plus community cos most people tend to mock it and what it stands for. I hate using the phrase outside of the fat community. SSBBW = Super sized big beautiful woman. I always thought I was SSBBW. I'm always the fattest person everywhere I go. I've explained before - fat is a class issue here so people my age who move in the circles I move in - which tend to be wealthy, professional and very white - just arent as big as i am. But even when it comes to going home and being around older bigger women, I'm still pretty damn big! LOL! I'm 1,49 meters and 111kilos. Doctors call me obsese - the fuckers. So how am I not fat enough to participate on this board???

The argument is that the board is exclusively for women who are 450 pounds and above - don't know what that is in kilos. I'm trying to understand why. I thought we were one fat community, that there were lessons we could all learn from each other, ways we could all enrich and shape each other?? Was I sleeping the day in class that that was explained?? I confess I was kinda ...hurt? I don't know what I felt - but it wasn't the warm and fuzzies. I'm sure that wasn't the intention but I was kinda taken aback.

It got me thinking bout fat identities though. I've met girls and women who have told me about how fat they are - most of them from Europe - when in my country they are beyond average - in fact they are considered to be thin girls!!! LOL! I started paying attention then to perceptions of weight. On South African television most of our news readers are what the US categorizes as plus size - i.e sizes 12 and up. In fact most of the black news readers are a size 16 and up. The women who act on our soaps and dramas are often a 10 or 12, some a 14 or 16. There are the ridiculously skinny ones - and those are celebrated and applauded and worshipped cos they've achieved supreme skinniness *eye roll* but for the most part the famous women in my country would be considered plus size. That means that my perception of super sized is seriously supersized. For a girl to be considered a fat girl in my country and in my eyes you have to be BIG! Add to that the fact that girls with big asses arent considered fat where as in the rest of the world a booty automatically seems to make you a BBW, and you've got an intensely different world view than the one found in the Western world.

Now after I find out I wasn't fat enough (still so surreal!!) to be on the super sized board I realised how unfair some of my comments have been to 'smaller' fat girls. I mocked their fat experience and that's not right. Because in my head they are thin doesn't mean that where they come from they haven't been discriminated against, laughed at, or had fat experiences similar to my own. One of the girls I've met on the forums who is Asian often speaks of how growing up in Singapore she was 'that fat girl' She was abused and laughed at and censured and she lived that fat experience. Now she's in the states people keep telling her to get over it or shut up cos she's not fat! It was eye opening. It also opened my eyes to how some SSBBW may feel when a supposedly regular BBW like myself (LOL! I'm still getting over that) tries to claim their experience. The sad thing though is that I believe it is a shared experience, no matter how big or small you are and no matter the category you fall into.

I posted on facebook today how shocked i was that for the first time in my life I was excluded from something cos I'm not fat enough hahahahahahahaha! Those were, I swear to the God, the oddest words I've ever had said to me. It was like I'd entered an alternate dimension where I was thin - regular even! I just thought to myself - where the fuck were you 15 years ago - I'd have loved to hear that then. Now, well - it just felt like one more person telling me how my being different made me not good enough and not wanted. That sounded incredibly lame and oh woe is me but at the time I heard that thats what it felt like.

So ja, my fat identity has an undergone a bit of an extreme makeover LOL!

The Birth of Fierce

2009-07-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hello World :)

I'm Nomonde - photographer, writer, some-time drama queen, fat girl, black girl, romantic, pervert hehe! and lover of beauty. This blog is to show case Fierce Fotography - my brand new endeavour into the world of digital imaging. That sounded terribly posh LOL! This blog will also be about my various views and opinions on most things of this world. I'm open minded and love seeing and hearing and feeling new things. I'm always on the look out for new world views so if you have anything to share WELCOME! Picture posts coming soon.